Friday, January 8, 2010

"Mommy Doesn't Cry Anymore"

Well, we have been here for almost 6 months now. Wow, 6 months! That just seems unbelievable to me. Time doesn't stop for anyone does it?! We have been thru so much in the last 6 months to get to where we are today. I am so thankful to be where we are today....well maybe minus the fact that we are in Amman, away from all my family and friends...LOL; however, I am so incredibly thankful that I am where I am today instead of where I was 2-4 months ago.

My daughter looked up at her Dad a few days ago and told him, "Mommy doesn't cry anymore" and Dad says, "Wow, you're right!" How a 2.5 year old pays attention to the details that surround them is unbelievable to me.

I was talking to my sister the other day about our recent life changing events and she mentioned to me how she has jumped over the hump recently. I thought that was a great way of explaining it. I, too, have recently jumped over the hump. And that hump is what my daughter and husband were referring to also.

For those of you that don't know me or don't know me that well: I don't really ever cry. I hate crying and I only do it when I really have to. In an average year, I probably cry a handful of days. On contrast, since I found out we were moving and more so once we moved here, I was not able to stop crying.

Not only did I cry a lot (like every few days a lot) I also had terrible mood swings, which made me feel terrible and cry even more. Again for those of you who don't know me or haven't known me since high school....I felt like I was in high school again. I felt like I was losing my damn mind, my sanity, my steadiness. I hated it. I hated yelling at my daughter, yelling at my 6 month old baby...who does that, yell at a baby?...certainly, not me on a normal day.

I hated feeling out of control. Feeling like I was going to go postal on someone. I hated all of it. I hated feeling like an out of control teenager with raging took me years to put that Beth away and become the even steady, calm Beth that I liked so much better. I guess my Mother said it best when I was talking to her about it. She said, "Even if you learned how to suppress your temper, doesn't mean it's gone"...boy was she right....temper was back and it wouldn't go away.

Why? Why was I feeling this way? Well, that's what I kept asking myself. I was trying to do the nursing thing and diagnose myself...well, whatever, I thought I had post-partum depression, hypothyroid, along with a few other things, or maybe it was old fashion stress. I went to the MD here and she told me everything that I am experiencing is normal. "Normal", the same thing my sisters, my parents, my closest friend and husband told me. But for some reason, hearing it from her was very helpful.

Realization: Of course I was going crazy. I had two small children who needed me for everything. My daughter was going through her own changes and clinged to me like nothing I've seen before. My husband and I just did a complete role reversal. He had always been home to help with the kids and the house. I was now a full-time stay at home Mom with no car and a husband who worked all day, every day. I moved far away from my family, who I was missing terribly. I was still strongly grieving the loss of my Grandma. I quit my job and left my friends. I lost everyday contact with everything I knew.

The list continues: Not to mention I don't know Arabic that well, so even going to the full-service gas station by myself made me nervous. Oh and let's not forget that EVERYTHING in Jordan is difficult. The USA is designed to make life easy, everything is readily at your hands. You walk into Super Target and you can buy everything in just one stop. You call for an electrician and set up and appointment....he shows up, on time, and can actually fix your problem, and he has a fixed price that he will charge you (not all the bargaining/trying to rip you off b.s.)!

And lastly, my hormones were probably a total mess...I had just stopped breastfeeding my son and prior to that I was pregnant with him, prior to that I was breastfeeding my daughter, prior to that I was pregnant with my daughter, and prior to that I was pregnant and basically, my hormones have been totally out of whack for about 3.5 years and they were now trying to normalize...yikes!

Breath of Fresh Air: So now you know why and how I was a complete crazy woman....Okay, now....take a breath of fresh air.....I have hit the hump and hurdled over it!! This Mommy no longer cries!

I am feeling back to my normal self, with the occasional (normal) ups and downs! I haven't cried or had a meltdown in at least a month and I don't think that I am going to have one any time soon. I can again, play with my kids and laugh. I laugh so much with them I almost cry...a wonderful, I am so blessed cry!! It is so refreshing! I feel like me again! Alhumdillah (Thank God).

My husband is wonderful and amazing. I have two beautiful and healthy babies. I have my health. I have a wonderful family back home in the USA!

I am meeting new people, Americans and other expats that have moved to Jordan, who can relate to me. I am looking for work and hope to find a part-time nursing job. However, nothing is easy in Jordan and if I don't find 'right' job then I know it's just meant for me to stay at home a little longer with my kids. To laugh with them. To teach them. To play with them. To love them. I am also comfortable with putting them in daycare, if I find that 'right' job, because I know they will grow from the experience. I am learning to give up control, to an extent :-)

I guess I am writing this to you (those of you who's shoulders I have learned on) so that you know that I'm going to be okay! We are going to be okay!! I knew it before, you knew it before, but now we both really know it to be true!! I appreciate your help, understanding and advice. Thank you! I love you!


  1. Being a mom is by far the toughest job in the world. How come our mothers never warned us, they only talked about how rewarding and wonderful it is... oh wait, I get it now. :) Our struggles and bumps and scars and those wonderful tears are what make us wonderful mothers. I could feel your frustration and relief in your blog and I am so happy that you are on the upswing. Stay strong, I will check in on your blog frequently and think of you and your beautiful family... and if it helps, it was -30 with windchill this morning. :)

  2. It has been a tough 6 months for you for obvious reasons. Just one of the struggles you've gone through would have made each of us cry. I'm sure it helps to write it all down.

    But things are much better and will get better yet. Your apartment is beautiful, your oven and dryer are working, you've made friends, your kids are the best and you're able to stay home with them. And, you can look forward to your mom and dad visiting you in March!

    We love you. Mom

  3. Good job on your blog, Beth. I know its hard for you to let things out like that, and I think this blog is a really healthy outlet for you!! See you in six months?!
    You are still my hero :)
    Love, Linds

  4. It is so nice to hear that it finally feels like you are over the hump. I can see their is joy back in your smile in the Dead Sea photos. :-)

    Love you,

  5. Someone one said to me that the best way to describe motherhood is " The days are long and the years are short" I have a five year old and a one year old I appreciate moments so much more with my one year old as I know how fast the time flew with my 5 yr old. I also went through post partum with my first child. The best thing you should do is take time from each day for just you. Even if its 1 hours. Machallah and may Allah keep you and your beautiful family in good health (amin).

  6. I have to tell you that I cried for months after coming to Jordan, too. I don't think that many people consider how difficult it is to be an immigrant, and especially when you come to a place so entirely different from the States. Nothing can really prepare you for it.

    And having been in Amman about 2-1/2 years now, I have to tell you that the "2 year point" is when I think I finally "accepted" the changes in my life. Although I've never gotten over the difficulties of functioning in Amman compared to the U.S.!

    Keep your chin up!