Ugh..

This is probably not the post you have been looking forward to after my disappearance for 3 weeks and after my wonderful 2 week visit from my parents and my sister; however, this is the post that I need to do for me, tonight. I am planning to update my blog with pictures and stories from my family visit, soon...yet, tonight I feel blah and need a place to release.

I am feeling blah for a number of reasons. First, I am so sick of being sick and taking care of the sick. Haha, Imagine, I am no longer nursing the public, but rather nursing myself and my kids. We have been sick for two months now. I am so tired. Alhumdillah, the kids have finally stopped throwing up, appetites are up and the coughing is decreasing...I think they are finally towards the end of their sickness! I, on the other hand, am at the climax of my sickness. The other night I woke up from severe ear pain. To the point that I felt as though I needed to go to the ER; however, I managed the pain until I fell back asleep. The next morning I headed to the ENT and sure enough, I have bilateral ear infections with severe ear infection in the left ear-major pressure and hearing disturbances. This is currently inhibiting my ability to hear...everything is muffled with a constant ringing in my ears. I also have sinusitis and bronchitis. Essentially, I can't hear, my ears are ringing, my head hurts, my nose is full and dripping, I have a nasty cough and I'm short of breath....basically, I feel awful. All I want to do is sleep, yet there is no time for a mother of two young kids to sleep. Also, my goal for this week was to concentrate on learning my role at work.

Work. Reason number two to feel blah. I am just not getting into my new role or my new job. I must admit, the people are wonderful and the pay is good. However, I am so confused day in and day out. It seems as though no one knows what is going on, because we are all new. It is a new company with high aspirations. I feel good about many things in the job and the company; however, I just don't get it! Maybe its because I am new and it is a totally different role from nursing. Or maybe it is because I have been sick since day one, so I haven't had a clear head to grasp the concepts. Or maybe it's because they are completely unorganized and I cannot thrive in an unorganized environment. I have no one to ask questions to, noone to get clear answers from. No one to 'show me the ropes', so to speak. I am still hopeful that things will get better, but right now I am simply frustrated.

Home sick. Reason number three to feel blah. I remember when Hubby would get back to the USA after leaving Jordan or when his family would leave after an extended visit. He would be very blah and sad. I guess this is how I am feeling. I had a wonderful time with my family (posting soon to come); however, I am now more than home sick. I guess as time has past on, I started to just live in the moment and tried to make things work here in Amman. However, right now, I pretty much just want to go home. I know it's a combination of the things mentioned above and other things, and I know that many of these things will pass, but right now...I wish I was home. I wish I was back in my routine of working weekends at th e hospital and spending time with the kids and husband the rest of the week! I was quite happy with life the way it was. All though, if I remind myself that if I had stayed at the hospital, my position would have been eliminated (because it was) and things would have been different from what I enjoyed....yet, I still miss those days.

Okay, so...Inshallah, I and my kids will heal and feel better soon. Work should get better, and if not, I will look elsewhere for work. Lastly, I will be home to visit this summer. I know things will get better, it's just a matter of hanging in there until it does. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow is a new day. As always......Alhumdillah (One must never forget to thank God for what he has given us, because we are very blessed and our difficulties/challenges are just that challenges. It could always be worse. My problems and complaints are nothing to compare with what it is that I could be facing and to which others are currently facing) ALHUMDILLAH!